


Childless Fathers

by Nocticola



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: 3x9 Sarah, 4x2 Survivors, Canon compliant death wish, Duke POV, Duke tries to not be a mess, Episode: s04e04 Lost and Found, Finnish American Wuornoses, Gen, It's my fic I can add some Finnish if I want to, Loss of Child, Lots of Touching, Lots of drinking, Nathan can be needy even though he can't feel, Nathan remembers what feelings are and it's not pretty, Nathan's a mess, Parenthood, first time writing Duke, some work time bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-19 08:50:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11309937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Post 4x2 Survivors. Nathan and Duke have a guys' night and Troubles and children are discussed.Chapter 2: Children are again discussed. (Dwight & Nathan, 4x4 Lost and Found)Chapter 3: Garland survived but lost Nathan (3x9 Sarah AU timeline)





	1. Nathan and Duke; James and Jean

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has two points: 1) there's something in 4x2 that bothers me, so I am dealing with it in fic  
> 2) did you realize that the main trio are all biologically parents by ep 5? I wanna deal with that.  
> Might write a second chapter for Dwight about this at some point.

Nathan is just about to knock on Jennifer’s (used to be Audrey’s) door, when Duke calls out to him.  
“C’mon, Nate, give Jennifer a night off. The woman needs her sleep. You’ve interrogated her enough for a while.”  
Nathan’s not quite sure what to do. He can’t relax until they find Audrey and then they can… They have to… What has to happen. And Jennifer is crucial to figuring the situation out. He doesn’t deserve to rest, he needs to figure this out. But before he knows it, Duke’s walked up the stairs and is pulling him with him by his hand on Nathan’s shoulder.  
“C’mon, let’s have a guys’ night. We can drink some Jack and we can talk. Give her some time to relax and breathe. You text her and ask her to take notes, just in case she remembers something new. But leave the girl alone for tonight.”  
Nathan rolls his eyes at Duke and sighs.  
“Fine. Let go of me, I can walk. We’ll take the Bronco, I can give you ride back in the morning.”  
“Great! I didn’t think you’d cave this easily, actually. Let me tell Wade first, and then get the Jack.”  
“Maybe I want to talk,” Nathan replies, but Duke is not really sure what to make of Nathan’s tone. It can be pretty hard to tell with Nathan sometimes.  
***  
The drive to Nathan’s place goes mostly in companionable silence. But Duke can tell that Nathan is doing that thing he does, that things of trying to figure out whether to say something or not. Duke would like to tell Nathan to hurry up and decide, but he knows it would be no use. Nathan works the way he works.  
“You told Jennifer about my Trouble. The way I was triggered, the first time.”  
That, wasn’t really what Duke was expecting. He wasn’t specifically expecting anything, but the topic seems abrupt.  
“Yeah, kinda. I was mostly talking about Wade, why he doesn’t really belong in Haven. That incident came to mind.”  
“Wade was there?” Nathan looks at Duke for a moment quizzically.  
“Yeah. He was one of the kids who were freaking out and puking.”  
“Huh.”  
Silence fell between them again. Duke thought about the issue a bit more. He still hasn’t told Jennifer about his Trouble. He hasn’t really even told her he’s Troubled. Maybe they should have established that with her first. Maybe that would have helped her deal with being Troubled herself. “Did you talk to Jennifer?”  
“Yeah, she helped me fix my bandage. I hadn’t realized she didn’t know I was Troubled before that.”  
“Yeah, you really weren’t hiding your whole ‘can’t feel pain’ thing from her. The way she first saw you. We’re still gonna have a conversation about that, by the way.”  
Nathan rolls his eyes. Why bother? That’s over. He lets out a long suffering sigh before shrugging slighty.  
“I just. This stuff is about me, and I like to tell people at my own space. You don’t really share ‘this is how I was Troubled’ stories with people.”  
Duke is silent a moment. Nate’s got a point. It wasn’t his story to tell, really.  
“You’re right. Sorry.” Nathan gives him that quizzical look again. “Not my story to tell. I’m sorry. I’ll keep that in mind in the future. I’d be upset if someone else told her about my Trouble. I should’ve kept your Trouble out of it. We cool?”  
“Yeah.”  
The rest of the drive is silent.  
***  
“You set up the drinking or whatever, and I make the guestroom ready.”  
Duke hasn’t actually been at Nathan’s in ages. Since he moved back into the Chief’s house, he’s clearly made some changes to make the house look more Nathan, less Garland. But Duke can immediately see that the reason Nathan is setting up the guestroom is because he himself is occupying the couch. Oh, Nate. You’re a mess.  
He finds two scotch glasses and puts them on the kitchen island and pours a single for both of them.  
Duke has started to sip his glass when Nathan gets back into the kitchen, takes his glass and they clink their glasses. First the tops and then the bottoms. It’s an automatic habit they developed basically the first time they got drunk together. Nathan was always too much of a goodie-do-shoes when it came drinking, so Duke was way more experienced. Nathan was clumsy and after they had clinked their beer bottles together, Nathan’s had slipped so the bottoms clinked too. Duke laughed and Nathan smiled sheepily. The next time, Duke did the same thing on purpose. From then, no matter what their relationship otherwise was, if they were drinking, they toasted their own way. There’s a comfort in the familiarity.  
Nathan empties his glass in seconds and takes the bottle of Jack and pours himself another double and drinks it up only slightly slower than the first.  
“Hey! Slow down. You have work tomorrow.”  
“You’re the one who suggested this. It’s not like I’ll really feel this tomorrow.”  
Duke’s not sure how to react. It’s not like Nathan’s wrong. He looks around, to see whether he can find evidence that Nathan has been drinking like this since he was back home. He can’t see any suspicious bottles but then again Nathan’s been putting his cop genes to good use with Jennifer and the Barn. Nathan pours another double, but he doesn’t down it like the others. He’s drinking is slowing down. Duke is somewhat questioning his decision to do this boys’ night, when he’s still nursing his first while Nathan has finished another glass. Nathan doesn’t reach for the Jack immediately which Duke considers progress.  
He’s just about finally finished his first glass when Nathan suddenly asks  
“You ever think about Jean?”

Duke choked on nothing because of the odd subject change. Why would… Where is that coming from? Nathan is staring at his empty glass instead of watching Duke.  
“We missed her first birthday, being, away… Beattie wanted open adoption. She has some pictures, a letter, if you want to see.”  
Duke’s kinda surprised Beattie contacted Nathan about it. Since she is one of the ones whose Trouble is always on, she might not have a good opinion about Nathan anymore. But he guesses the whole ‘my later slept with you and now we have a kid neither of us can ever meet’ is more complicated.  
“You told Ginger about her. I know it upset you, so it might help you to see that… she’s doing OK.”  
Duke shakes his head and sighs. He pours both of them more scotch and drinks his second glass the same way Nathan did earlier. This time Nathan is not touching his drink but he actually looks at Duke now.  
“Do you want to talk about her?”  
“Do *you* wanna talk about James?” Duke snaps. Is that what this is really about? About James? About Nathan’s son with… Sarah, Audrey, whoever. Nathan’s presumably dead son.  
Nathan’s face is a sympathetic blank, but Duke can see a flicker of emotion before Nathan again downs his scotch. Nathan is really putting his Trouble to the test in the morning it seems.  
“What’s there to talk about? He’s dead, it’s my fault… She’s not. If you survive the Troubles you might be able to meet her. That matters.”  
“Maybe,” Nathan is trying so hard that Duke feels the need to give him something. “I do think about her. Sometimes. Even with the Troubles, I wouldn’t really have been a father to her. Wasn’t, aren’t ready. She’s better off probably. But I’ll contact Beattie about a picture. Happy?” Duke looks at Nathan, who actually is smiling at him. It’s a slightly drunk smile but it seems genuine. Then Nathan does something he practically never does. He deliberately touches Duke’s bare hand with his own for five seconds.  
“I’m happy for you.”  
Duke’s having a hard time processing, anything, tonight it seems. Nathan isn’t usually like this. Maybe this whole self-sacrificial, suicidal depression has somehow made Nathan want to open up emotionally.  
“Nate, we don’t know that James is dead. Maybe… We don’t know where Audrey is. Maybe they’re together.”  
While Duke is talking, Nathan has closed his eyes in an effort not to cry. The alcohol is taking its effects, though, and before Duke knows it, Nathan has buried his face in his hands and he’s sobbing. Duke really doesn’t know what to do. Nathan… doesn’t really do emotions. Whether it’s his Trouble or being Wuornos but sometimes Duke has really worried about Nathan’s breadth of emotions. He doesn’t know what he should do though. Nathan is muffling something that Duke can’t make out. Duke decides to risk it and goes to Nathan on the other side of the kitchen island and hugs him. Duke is very surprised that Nathan returns the hug. Even though this is something approaching what Duke wanted from the evening, some proper connection, of Nathan dealing with what is going on, it really didn’t go the way he would have thought, if he hadn’t come up with the idea ex tempore. He pats Nathan on the upper back, trying to give his friend some comfort.  
“It’s gonna be OK, Nate.”  
“No, it won’t. Not for me. I messed up so badly.” Nathan pushes Duke back so he can look at him. His hands are holding on to Duke’s shoulder. Nate really went all in on this touching thing. Nathan’s eyes are red already. “I don’t know how to feel about James… Can I really love him? He’s mine, but I don’t… I don’t know him. He’s probably *gone*… it’s my fault. Are you allowed to mourn when it’s your fault?”  
“Nate… ” Duke really doesn’t know what to do with a Nathan that is freaking out like this. He can’t deal with his eyes anymore so he pulls Nathan back into a hug, this time with Nathan crouched a bit so he can rest his head on Duke’s chest. Maybe the heartbeat will calm him a bit.  
“… It’s a fucked up situation, Nate. But just because we can’t have them doesn’t mean it can’t hurt. OK? James is yours. He seems to be gone. You’re allowed to feel that loss. All of it. I feel the loss of Jean, and her very existence could kill me, so, complicated. But they’re our kids. But also, they’re not”  
Nathan’s breathing has calmed down and Nathan suddenly reminds Duke of a child, appropriately. He doesn’t remember ever witnessing Nathan being this vulnerable, at any age. But the crying and drinking and working have left Nathan exhausted, so Duke helps walk him to Nathan’s own bed. No sleeping on the couch tonight.  
Nathan is sitting on the bed, his head down, hands buried in his own hair, elbows on his knees. Still trying to finish calming down. Duke hovers nearby for a moment, waiting for Nathan’s OK to allow him to go to sleep himself.  
“Will you manage now?” Duke puts a hand on Nathan’s shoulder gently, hoping that Nathan still accepts touch.  
Nathan whispers a “Yeah” and Duke starts to leave the room. Nathan doesn’t move, but when Duke’s almost out the door he continues,  
“Thanks, Duke.”  
“No problem, Nate.” Duke thinks Nathan is finally done when he hears “Duke” and he turns to looks at Nathan. He’s looking up at Duke again and Duke does not like the look in Nathan’s eyes.  
“When you meet Jean, after… when I’ve… can you tell her that Uncle Nathan loved her?”  
Duke has a hard time swallowing the lump in his throat and he tries just nodding, but Nathan deserves more so he tries to summon a smile and his voice, “Of course I will.”  
Nathan nods and closes his eyes like he’s received, something, absolution, maybe? “Thank you. Night, Duke.”  
“Night, Nathan,” and then Duke can finally close the door and he hopes Nathan gets at least some sleep. He’s not sure he can.


	2. Dwight & Nathan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during 4x4 Lost and Found  
> Nathan: This is really starting to smell like a Trouble. Another elaborate escape plan for a kid barely out of diapers.  
> Dwight: They’re not related, but they both go to Sunnyside Preschool. That’s where my daughter Lizzie went.  
> Nathan: I bet you were a great dad.  
> Dwight: I didn’t fit in the tiny desks for parent-teacher day too well.  
> Nathan: You fit pretty good in mine. You’re a good chief, Dwight.  
> Dwight: Thanks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, subscriber! For showing interest, so

Nathan moves to the door, closing it. Dwight looks at him slightly confused, more so when Nathan sits down.  
“Do you wanna talk about her? Lizzie?”  
Dwight lets out a little laugh, jokingly comments “A Wuornos wants to talk about feelings?”  
Nathan doesn’t react to the joking. He just shrugs, “We’re still waiting on some evidence, so… You haven’t really talked about her before. Talking can be helpful.”  
Dwight raises an eyebrow, “And you would know that how?”  
Nathan smirks slightly, “I talked about… James, with Duke. On Founder’s Day. It kinda helped. And I know our situations are very different but…” Nathan shrugs again.  
“Founder’s Day, huh? Was there drinking involved?”  
“Yeah. A lot. But the talking was better.” For a moment Nathan is silent, seemingly thinking about whether to continue or not. “My mother was also Elizabeth.”  
Dwight takes a deep sigh. Nathan seems sincere. “Really? That’s nice.” Dwight hesitates a moment more. What could it hurt? [Except a lot] But still, Dwight puts on a smile.  
“She did ballet, her favorite was the Nutcracker. She loved being a knight when we played the floor is lava. For a long time it was just us but we did great. She really liked Haven.” Dwight pauses for a moment. Nathan waits out the pause silently. “Afterwards… It took me a long time to… live, again. Your father actually helped with that.”  
Nathan has been listening to Dwight, quietly supporting him. The mention of Garland confuses him, though. “Yeah? How?”  
Dwight shrugs. “Being the town cleaner, it helped. I joined the Guard to help other Troubled people, but we didn’t always agree how to do that. So, helping hide the Troubles, it gave me something to do, some way to help. Helped me take my mind off things… But the pain never goes away.”  
Nathan nods. “Glad to know he helped someone. Hopefully we can put a stop to the Troubles for good, finally. So that no one else has to go through that because of the Troubles. Duke and Jennifer are hopeful they might be able to get Audrey back today.”  
“Today? That’s…”  
“It’s what’s best for Haven.”  
Dwight just nods. Ending the Troubles is a fucked up thing, but what else can they do? Nathan seems very willing to go through with the sacrifice. Part of Dwight feels guilty for his level of OK-ness with it. But the Troubles need to end. One way or another. Nathan’s change of topic comes as a slight surprise.  
“Let’s check the preschool, see what else these kids have in common.”  
“Yeah. Sounds good.” Nathan stands up to leave, when he gets a message. They watch the footage of the Kent boy’s kidnapper and they start to follow that lead. Before Nathan leaves, Dwight stops him.  
“Hey, Nathan.” Nathan turns to look at him. “Thanks for listening. It did help.”  
Nathan smiles back briefly. “No problem,” and leaves.  
Dwight is left alone with his thoughts for a while. He takes his wallet out, looks at his little girl’s happy face and smiles slightly to himself. Then he lets out a sad sigh. Hopefully these families will have better fortune than he did. He puts his wallet away and starts to work his side of the case. He will continue doing everything he can to make sure other people do not have to go through what he did with Lizzie.


	3. 3x9 Sarah AU: Garland & Nathan Wuornos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3x9 Sarah Alternative timeline: Nathan died, Garland lived.

Garland always wished this day wouldn't come. He tried so hard to train Nathan to survive, that he could take over the burden from him. But a worry started creeping into his thoughts, when he saw the way Nathan looked at Audrey, the way he hadn't really looked at people. It became clear quickly that Nathan was Her protector during this cycle. Garland just always wished he'd survive it.

Getting control of his own Trouble before it consumed him was just the beginning of the issues. The Rev took wanted control of the town and did his best to make things difficult for the Troubled. Garland wasn't able to keep it all together anymore. 

Things with Nathan at least managed to improve. He didn't abandon him for Max. Nathan did go to the funeral, and wanted to know more about the Hansens, his biological family. And it took a lot of work getting him to forgive Garland, for a life time of lies. He eventually did forgive him. And at no point did Nathan stop treating and considering Garland as his father. Their relationship was better than it had been in years. But of course there was no real happy ending for them. 

The situation in town escalated steadily until some Rev acolytes became convinced that killing Audrey would rid the world of the Troubles. Of course that's not the case. Garland knows the real way to end the Troubles for once and all, and he's keeping his mouth shut about it. Because Audrey looks at Nathan the exact same way, even though neither one of them talks about it. He doesn't want Nathan to become a sacrificial lamb for this town. Garland is willing to give everything for this town. Except Nathan. 

Unfortunately, the whims of fate are not up to him. 

They are in the woods in the middle of some goddamn Mexican standoff when it happens. Everyone is yelling, no one is listening until a shot rings out. Everything happens in slow motion. Someone shot at Audrey, but Nathan got in the way. Just like him. It's a gut wound, and maybe if they weren't in the middle of some forest, they could get help in time. Instead, Nathan bleeds out in Audrey's arms, finally getting the words out he has been (literally) dying to get out for months. Nathan and Audrey exchange quiet 'I love yous'. 

The best Garland can say for himself is that he was there. He kneels by Nathan's weakening body and for once he let's himself cry, and he let's Nathan see it. There's no use saving up emotions anymore. 

"I love you, son. I'm proud of ya. Sorry I didn't say it enough."

Nathan smiles lightly, "I... _rakastaa_... Dad." 

Their language. Finnish. He never used it after Beth. He wasn't sure Nathan knew any. " _Minä rakastan sinua poika_ [I love you, son]" 

And then Nathan dies, smiling.

Garland wasn't supposed to live this long. He wasn't supposed to outlive Nathan. 

*** 

Haven turns even worse afterwards. There's little hope for things improving, not until the Hunter, and it doesn't seem like anyone wants to wait that long. Many Havenites want the Troubled out *now*, so it becomes better to get them out of town. Haven is not a haven anymore, it's not safe. He even works with the Guard because no matter how they disagree how to handle the cycles and everything, they have the infrastructure in place to get people out safely. 

Audrey becomes harder. She relies more on Claire, and she doesn't let Garland grief alone, but there is a piece missing in her. She reminds him of Lucy, after James died. He suspects that that might be a future conversation. 

*** 

When Claire tells him that there is something different in Audrey, that something Haven-y is going on, that Audrey doesn't believe her about Nathan's death, Garland feels a bit of hope rise in his chest. Maybe there is a world, the real one, where Nathan didn't have to die. He can see immediately, based on Audrey's reaction, that he must be dead in her world, the real world. He makes quick peace with that. He doesn't know how he died, what happened that made it so Nathan lived, and he doesn't care. Nathan deserved to live, and he will do everything he can to make sure Audrey's world comes back. It might be the last thing he does, but he's alright with that. He'd do anything for Nathan.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [James Cogan and His Many Mothers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11713497) by [Nocticola](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola)




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